Madhan Gounder - On Commitment

Madhan Gounder

Rev. Emilie recently posed a question to a group of us: what commitment most deeply defines you? The question caught me off guard, but the answer was immediately apparent to me: my marriage. My partner, Ishmeal, and I were married at Beacon on October 14th, 2017, but when I think about the journey to that date, it remains a wonder to me that it ever happened at all.

I grew up in a first-generation Indian-American immigrant family where non-traditional family arrangements were not even discussed, much less contemplated. By the age of 12, I now know I entered adolescence because I started developing clear attraction to other boys in my class—but I’d also developed an instinct that this was something I should hide and not tell anyone about. I struggled with these thoughts throughout my teenage years, never being able to confide in anyone. At the age of 18, I still remember so well the night I finally admitted to myself that I was gay: I cried myself to sleep that night promising myself I’d never tell anyone else and would lead a “normal” life despite it.

Through the closeted internal turmoil of my adolescent and early adult life, marriage had lost any meaning for me. It was something my parents had and perhaps something other people did. Afraid of who I “really” was, I assumed I would simply accede to an arranged marriage of my parents’ choosing. I had not developed any sense of marriage as a commitment and thought about it very little at all.

When I finally did come out of the closet, gay marriage still was not legal, so it still did not occur to me as something to aspire to. Moreover, the struggle to find a life partner in the frequently harsh and unforgiving world of both gay and online dating in big cities left me with a carefully honed, intentional ambivalence towards relationships and marriage. I told myself it was imperative to live a rich, full life as a single person, even if that became my life indefinitely. It is actually during this period of life in 2014 when I first walked through the doors at Beacon and became a member soon afterwards. 

It’s also this period of my life where I think I finally came into my own and moved past the turmoil of those earlier years. I was finally leading a balanced, full, and authentic life. Perhaps it’s no surprise then that I finally met my life partner; I was finally ready. Things all changed so quickly when I finally met Ishmeal, and soon thereafter gay marriage became legal throughout the US. Like a blurred image finally coming into focus, it all finally made sense. I could imagine myself building a life together with this other person—committing to a lifelong adventure we would chart together. Marriage has since become the most enriching revelation of my life so far. It is a cherished and important commitment that I appreciate all the more for the internal and external struggle I experienced to get to it.